Never live a "second-hand life"

/July 2023

"I have always lived a second-hand life."

A few days ago, when I was chatting with a friend, she suddenly came up with such a sentence. I was stunned for a few seconds before I woke up to what she was talking about.

Get prepared to purchase the alluring long royal blue dress for party and have everyone looking at you. The easy way with the highest high value.

when she was young, she wanted to paint, but her family said she was useless, so she stopped painting.

later, she wanted to write, but her friend said she had no future, so she stopped writing.

get married, give up your beloved and marry a person whose parents are satisfied.

one is for the children, the other is to keep people from talking about it.

the experience of my friends reminds me of the concept of "second-hand life" mentioned by Liao Yimei in A clumsy Life like me:

"easily listen to what others tell you, let taboos block your vision, set rules for yourself, and live a conventional life. I call this a second-hand life."

second-hand life, thought is other people's point of view, life is other people's imitation, emotion is other people's opinion.

when you think about it, many people around you seem to be living a "second-hand life" unconsciously.

University chooses a major, and people say that the major you are interested in is difficult to find a job, so you choose a popular major that you don't like.

when you graduate from college, you want to go out, but your parents want you to find a stable job, so you take the exam.

after the age of 25, relatives say it will be too late if you don't get married, and then you start to go on blind dates frequently.

35 years old, your focus is all on your family, and there are only parents' weaknesses in your life.

at the age of 45, I suddenly found that I seemed to be copying other people's lives all the time.

looking back, more than half of life is floating.

if you live up to other people's expectations, you will live a second-hand life all your life.

writer Su Cen said:

"I don't understand why I should care so much about other people's opinions. Judging is just a pastime for boring people, so why look like they are facing an archenemy." If you don't eat other people's food, don't take other people's words too seriously. "

mouth is someone else's, life is your own.

We might as well do a multiple choice question: a mole, a future, which one of the two would you choose?

it is believed that most people will choose the latter, but supermodel Cindy chose the former.

Cindy was sweet and tall at the age of 16, but she was shut out a lot because of a big black mole on her lips.

the broker recommended her to many advertising agencies, all of which were rejected.

finally, a client was willing to use her, but asked, "take this mole off for me."

Cindy refused to give in and immediately replied, "Sorry, I just won't take it."

she lost another chance, but a few years later, she was finally recognized as a diva model, and the mole became her exclusive beauty.

so why not live in other people's second-hand experience, why not prove the life you want to go?

in the novel Silent confession, the girl Lydia has been living painfully in the double expectations of her parents.

Lydia's father, who is not a native, has a lifelong dream of integrating into local life and making himself gregarious.

Lydia's mother, who dreamed of becoming a doctor, interrupted her studies because of pregnancy and got married early and had children.

they pour their dreams into Lydia.

her father often urges her to call unfamiliar friends, ask them to see a movie and force her to go to the dance.

every time, her mother gave her all kinds of thick and difficult books, such as "Color Atlas of Human Anatomy", "famous Scientific Women" and so on.

Lydia also tried her best to cater to her parents' expectations.

she tries to have a good relationship with her classmates, even though she likes to be single.

she tries to finish all the homework assigned by her mother, even if she doesn't want to be a doctor at all.

but as a result of such desperate efforts, she becomes less and less like herself, just the shadow of her parents.

Nietzsche once said: "he who cannot obey his own orders must take orders from others."

A person's life should be controlled by himself. Don't let the rules imprison your life.

Don't waste your time and life in the approval and expectation of others.

there is a word in psychology called "window man" to the effect that

there is a kind of people who wear fashionable clothes and go to high-end restaurants to show themselves to others.

if you devote yourself to showing others, no matter how big the world is, there is no room for you, because there are other people's eyes all the time.

if you choose to live for yourself, no matter how small the power is, there will be a day of brilliance, because there is your own glimmer everywhere.

the drama actor Wang Deshun has performed in the Shenyang Repertory Theatre for more than 20 years. He can be said to have a successful career and a happy life.

but he wants to resign to show his artistic dream on a bigger stage.

after listening, my friend grabbed his clothes:

"are you stupid? you are 50. In ten years you will retire with pension, insurance and salary, and you will have nothing to worry about for the rest of your life."

Wang Deshun did not listen to advice at all. He gave up the establishment and all benefits and became Beijing drifters.

The voice of questioning is still with him:

"have a good day, but come out and suffer."

"isn't it good to be fooling around and enjoy your old age?"

Wang Deshun was unmoved.

there is a saying: "We are always inadvertently swayed by the thoughts of others. After experience, we find that the world is our own and has nothing to do with others."

in this world, there are too many people who are careful to live in the definition of others.

but your life does not need to be played by common sense or defined by others.

best-selling author Li Shanglong, born in a traditional family, was admitted to a well-known school in the expectations of his parents.

but after the school year began, he found that his dream was incompatible with the school and was once in deep pain.

he often asks himself, "do you have to be like everyone else?"

so, despite the opposition of his parents and the people around him, he studied English hard and became a teacher.

A year later, he became the most popular teacher.

when others thought he would go down this road, he conquered the next hill and became a best-selling author.

he said he was glad he had the courage to choose to leave again and again, change the track and be different.

especially like the lyrics in "it's not that simple": "listen to what others say and make your own decisions."

sometimes we are influenced by what others say and hand over the control of our lives easily.

but there are always people who smile and listen to what others have to say, and then use their strength to prove them wrong.

someone asked Wilde, "what is the scariest thing in the world?"

Wilde replied, "too many people don't live like themselves."

there is no fixed template in life, let alone copy it mechanically and make your life "second-hand".

so, when you are confused and anxious, you might as well ask yourself:

where is this me at this moment?

in someone else's template or in your own?

A book is published under authorization.